I recently threw myself into soccer fandom. As I do with any sport, I try and take in everything I can. What’s different about international soccer is that there’s like four hundred leagues. I got my Fox Sports Network subscription, found the best soccer blogs, and watched and learned as much as I could. But then I realized that I live in the USA and nobody here gives a shit so I have no one to discuss it with. Here are the things I’ve learned so far.
Luis Suarez is one talented asshole. He’s currently at number two in the Premier League with 16 goals, but he’s unmatched in dickhead moments. Ignoring autograph hungry children is nothing new for pro athletes. But one would think he could make up for it that very day by not scoring a goal on a blatant handball and then not celebrating afterwards. Also, he’s possibly a racist.
John Terry has to defend himself as often as the goal. And defending himself is a much tougher task. Becoming captain of both Chelsea FC and the English national team is an achievement that cannot be overstated. Equally impressive is being the only man stripped of the English national team captaincy… twice. First, he had a four month affair with a teammate’s girlfriend and subsequently got stripped of captaincy only to somehow get it back. Then, he revealed that he might be a racist. Again, he was stripped of his captaincy. He retired from international football shortly thereafter.
Eden Hazard does more than create goal scoring chances. He kicks ball kids! Granted, that’s not a great moment but Hazard is one of the sickest players in the Premier League. This incident earned him a 5 match ban. Fuck that kid.
Andy Carroll can’t catch a break. He was having a great year at Newcastle, scoring goals and having fun. Then Liverpool makes him the most expensive British footballer of all-time with a 35 million euro transfer fee. Unfortunately for everyone, he then started sucking. This prompted people to make many videos and jokes to embarrass him. The story has a happy ending though, as he was sent away from Liverpool on loan to West Ham where he likes to get drunk and fight people.
Cristiano Ronaldo is sad. But it has nothing to do with not making enough money. But it kinda does. He’s also sad that on the day he scores three goals, Messi scores four. It’s tough being Cristiano Ronaldo.
Mario Balotelli is headed to AC Milan. He’s Italian and grew up supporting this club so the move makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is anything that Mario Balotelli does. He starred in Italy’s surprise 2-1 win against the dominant German team during the 2012 Euros. He provided the Premier League winning assist to Sergio Aguero – possibly the biggest assist in Premier League history. Immensely talented, very young, but a little stupid. He was sent off during a friendly against the LA Galaxy for attempting to showboat a bit – possibly the most jawdroppingly dumb moment in soccer history (see video below). His time at Manchester City appeared limited since Balotelli would consistently give his manager, Roberto Mancini – the only man to stick up for him – the silent treatment when he was taken out of games. Sometimes Balotelli would viciously attack Mancini verbally, and other times would actually attack him. Needless to say, this is one my favorite players and I’ll be watching AC Milan. Also, he’s definitely not racist.
Wayne Rooney likes to pay women to have sex with him. He doesn’t care if he already has a hot wife. And he doesn’t care if that hot wife is pregnant while he pays for the sex. I’m sure one of the best footballers in the world could easily get away with a normal paymentless affair but he may have felt like his hair plugs might be a turn off.
Real Madrid’s manager doesn’t want to play the best goalkeeper in the world. Jose Mourinho is currently considered one of the top managers in the world. Iker Casillas has been selected to the FIFA Team of the Year six consecutive times and is generally considered the best keeper in the world. Mourinho doesn’t like the power that such a fantastic player has with the team and fans so he benches Casillas. The replacement gets injured and Casillas is reluctantly put in. Then Casillas breaks his hand and is out three months. Mourinho brings in a third top level keeper, Diego Lopez, in the meantime. Now Casillas’ girlfriend claims all the players want Mourinho to be fired. Meanwhile, Mourinho might want to leave anyway.
You got all that?