How Not to Impress a Woman at a Game

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The Ice-King of Beers

You’re automatically going to arouse my suspicion if I see you putting ice cubes in your beer. If you’re old enough to drink beer, you should know that not only is this a major faux paus, it’s also downright dumb. Nothing better than watery beer, right? Wrong.

When I saw the person in front of me at the Warriors game drinking his ice-beer, I knew I’d have to check in on him throughout the game to see what other tomfoolery he’d be involved in. Fortunately, he made this task very easy.

In an apparent attempt to impress the lady friend he’d courted to the game, he made it very clear to her, and the rest of us that was receiving multiple phone calls and texts from his supposedly ex-girlfriend, Wanda. I know that her name was Wanda because he made a concerted effort to display the caller ID and tell his new lady how Wanda would not stop calling him. After several minutes of telling Wanda (in what had to be worst performance in during a fake phone call) that he was involved in a new relationship, our bachelor hung up on her and reiterated her stalker-like tendencies.

It’s tough to say if the new lady was as impressed as our hero intended. If she’s anything like me, she surmised that this was most likely a hoax phone call requiring the participation of one of the guy’s buddies. All he had to do was re-program his friend’s digits in the phone and bam, instant Wanda. Regardless of whether or not the lady took kindly to it, he worked up enough courage (liquid or otherwise) to exert his machismo by putting his arm around her immediately after ending the phone call.

Shortly thereafter, he went out for another refreshment and came back with a drink that goes better with ice: Coca-Cola Classic. He sat back in his seat and pulled a water bottle from a jacket pocket. I had come to know this man fairly well through his exploits to this point, so I was sure this wasn’t your ordinary bottle of water. It probably contained something a bit less hydrating and a lot more sinister.

RumSure enough, as he poured the clear liquid into the Coke the unmistakable paint thinner-esque waft of bottom shelf rum invaded my nostrils. This man really knows how to treat a lady right. He exchanged swigs with his lady, then polished off what was left of the rum. A slight man, I was hoping that he would not be responsible for driving home.

Flash forward fifteen minutes: our drunkard is now fast asleep in his seat amidst all the action of the game, presumably passed out from drinking too much too fast. His lady suitor was trying to wake him and escort him from the harsh stare of the public eye. At the start of the fourth quarter, she eventually managed to get him out of his seat and hopefully home to safety.

What started out as an ice cold beer and a shameless attempt at self-aggrandizement melted into a liquored up mess of drunkenness and embarrassment. So if you’re going to sneak liquor into a game, the lesson here is to pace yourself. Otherwise, you’ll probably lose the girl you turned into a babysitter and end up crawling back to Wanda.

 

 

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