Danica Patrick Sucks

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Delivering the opening monologue at any awards show is difficult. And Jay Mohr got the honors of doing a show that hardly anyone watched, the 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup Awards Banquet. Who even knew NASCAR had one of these? Well, we do now because Danica Patrick and her boyfriend, Ricky Stenhouse Jr. got revealed for having a relationship absent of humility and humor.

Seriously, when is this Danica Patrick phase going to be over. She’s very attractive. I’ll give her that. She’s also a record breaker and a pioneer. But she’s only a record breaker, pioneer and attractive because she’s a woman. (Sorry. As a straight male I don’t find male NASCAR drivers attractive.)

In 7 years in IndyCar, she won one race. One.

In 4 years in the NASCAR Nationwide Series, she won 0 races. Zero.

In 2 years in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, she’s won 0 races. She does have a Top 10 finish though.

If she keeps losing in the Sprint Cup Series, is she going to start racing trucks or funny cars so she can become the first woman to win a pole and finish in the top 10 in those leagues? Then move to speed boats? Maybe horses or camels?

I know winning is hard. Unless you’re Jimmie Johnson. So that’s forgivable. But to not have a sense of humor or a little humility? That’s not fun. Or admirable. Yet, she’s supposed to be a role model? Really, how much can respect can we give someone who is really good at being average and selling URLs?

At the end of that video, she said she has a lot of fans. That may be true. But until she learns to laugh, have fun or become a consistent champion, I’m not going to be one of them.

Unless on the off chance her and Jay Mohr staged the whole thing to get Internet buzz for an award show no one cares about. Then she’ll get a little bit of credit. But I still won’t care.


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