“Catwoman” Basketball Scene

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During my sorry excuse for a life I have embarked on a bad movie safari of sorts. I have seen much on my metaphorical journey through cinema. I do not know what I’m searching for exactly through all of this, but when I find nuggets like the one below I feel that I do, in fact, have what could be argued a purpose. And armed with this delusion of a purpose, I have decided that I will not rest until I have found the worst movie ever made.

I will watch anything but will not declare a film as the worst ever if it is less than a widely released A-level movie (any movie that in-his-prime John Cusack would consider). This is because movies that are doomed for the bottom shelf of that weird section at your local abandoned Blockbuster from the start don’t have the budget, star power, or marketing ability to even compare to the movies that Gerard Butler has been pumping out. This rules out movies like Troll 2 and The Room that are truly horrendous, but lack the notoriety and expectations of full feature films.

So now I’m here to tell you that I have seen an easy contender for worst movie ever. The movie is 2004’s Catwoman starring Halle Berry, and below is exhibit A: the worst scene. Seeing as I won’t be providing anymore evidence than a breakdown of what I’m seeing when I watch this, I think this is all you’ll need to be equally convinced:

Alright, so here we have Halle and Ben Bratt doing some sort of new age date where you trot through areas of the city that look like a drug dealers delight but are in fact densely populated with children. I guess I’m gonna have to let that slide, mostly because where they are is so weird I don’t really know how to address it. So, Halle leads with the information her friend calls her “fun deficient.” Interesting choice, seeing as this information will never have any bearing on whether a man pursues Halle Berry. I’m pretty sure she could have said that she has committed the most heinous of crimes against humanity and Ben would have responded the exact same way.

But our favorite conversation gets interrupted by a brave soul who knows what we all want. There has never been, in the history of everything, a situation where a child has wanted to see a fully grown man and a fun deficient woman go one-on-one in basketball. Not once. And if a kid walked up to a couple of adults and uttered this completely insane request, I’m pretty sure that they become immediately terrified of the demon seed and run. What in the heavens would make anyone want to see these two play? Do I not see the resemblance to Kobe and LeBron? Maybe their tattoos of their own names are underneath the jackets.

Nevertheless, Halle and Ben agree to put on a show for the kids. And to prove to them how much of a virtuoso she is with a b-ball (I’m pretty sure she would call it that) she starts to toss the b-ball back and forth between her right and left hands. She had me right there but, of course, she went a step further and decided to run a wall and hover back to earth. What was all that? Was it good? Then she says that she hasn’t done all that since she was a little girl. What possible reason could you have for doing that when you were a little girl? No little girl does that, and if there was, she would be burned at the stake for suspicion of being a witch.

Next we get a look at Catty and her boy toy for a little a one-on-one time (if you know what I mean (I mean molesting each other for a while in front of a bunch of howling tweens)). These two really leave it all on the floor for this battle. Ben gets a chance to showcase his considerable abilities for a while, but the real show starts when Halle danecooks* the ball from Ben. She starts waggin’ her tail (get it?) at Ben, toying with him until she can pounce (get it?) on her opportunity. Her strangely basketball relevant powers kick in just in time and she starts flashing those killer crossovers ‘til she is finally ready to end this game, which apparently is going only to 1. She ends this thing by dunking. Dunking. She dunked. Or at the very the very least, blakegriffined** that ball on through. I have never seen a worse thing in a movie to date. No matter how many times I see it, I can help but turn away and shout, “NOOOO!” It just hurts to a degree that is outside of my pain threshold.

In conclusion, through the process of writing this, I have decided that this is the worst scene of a film I have ever seen. It comes from what I have determined is the second worst movie I have seen so far during my movie safari. Do I think you should watch it? Yeah, go watch it. It is so very bad that it needs to be seen so that everyone knows what bad really is. Hopefully somebody can use this example to stop these God forsaken Transformers movies.

*danecook – to steal and pass off as your own
**blakegriffin – to throw through with tremendous force

 

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